do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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