I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dick has a subreddit
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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