im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
