Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize