How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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