he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
