I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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