Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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