:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize