I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
