i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
