Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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