Soap is not a condiment
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
