I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
