it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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