Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
