He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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