Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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