I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i've created a new STD.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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