I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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