haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
