I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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