Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
