when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
