You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
