Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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