I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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