dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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