Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize