i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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