i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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