I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
