...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
