I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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