shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
