I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
