people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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