My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
