I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
