Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
