I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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