after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
