Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
