One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i think i have two assholes
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
