she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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