she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
