watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
