i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it's like iHOP with fire
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
