so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
