We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
