My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
