we're chasing vodka with high fives
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
