I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
