I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
