I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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