I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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