I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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