I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
