i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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