so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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